


Sun & Moon

by larsettash



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst?, M/M, Sad, but a little happy at the end, but not that heavy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 23:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11451177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larsettash/pseuds/larsettash
Summary: Dear Sicheng,It's almost your birthday soon. I miss you. Do you remember how we first met?





	Sun & Moon

**Author's Note:**

> hey so i wrote a very fluffy fic before so i wrote this Sad to balance it out! woohoo.  
> english is not my first so language so i apologize in advance for the grammatical errors you may find in this fic.  
> leave comments or kudos if you like this. thank you! <3

Dear Sicheng,

It’s almost your birthday soon. I miss you.

Do you remember how we first met? It was your 18th birthday when our dear friend Jaehyun dragged me to your party. You could barely speak Korean back then, and I had to force Jaehyun to be our translator because I wanted to talk to you so bad. Even back then, you had me. From the moment I saw you, I knew you were special. We had been best friends for years all the way through college when I finally gathered enough courage to confess that I wanted to be more than that with you.

There are a lot of words I could use to describe you. You were so beautiful, funny, caring, compassionate, selfless. You always put everybody else above you. You were always so cheerful, so full of love and warmth for those around you. You were like my own personal sun. You always kept me going every time I thought about giving up on my dream.

Do you remember that cold and dark winter day when I told you about my past? About the things that kept haunting me at night? You never once listened to all the bad things people said about me. You didn’t care that my past wasn’t as squeaky clean. You told me that my past wouldn’t define me as a person, and I believed in you. You could’ve told me that the Earth is square and I would still believe you.

You gave me hope. Ever since you came into my life, everything seemed brighter. I’ve never loved life as much as when I was with you. You made me so happy. You made feel as if I could conquer the world as long as I have you.

I would never have thought that you’d leave me so soon.

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Cancer. That’s what the doctor told us. An almost inoperable malignant tumor in your brain.

The chance of surviving the surgery that would ensure us another fifteen to twenty years? Fifty percent. The chance of surviving without the surgery? Zero. They gave you another three weeks, maybe a month if we’re lucky. You cried so hard that day, but I didn’t. I couldn’t feel anything. I was numb. Might as well take me with you if I have to live without you.

You told me you didn’t want to have the surgery, that you wanted to go home. You said you wanted to spend your last days with our families, friends, with me. I was so mad at you, do you remember? I called you many hurtful things. I called you selfish.

In the end, you relented because I convinced you to stay at the hospital. I wanted you to have that surgery. I wanted to seize every opportunity I had to save you. That's what I told you. I wish you wouldn’t have agreed. If you didn’t, maybe you’d still be here with me. I wish you would yell back at me, tell me you didn’t need the surgery, get it through my thick head. If you did, maybe I wouldn’t be alone in our cold apartment crying about missing you. Maybe we could have more time together.

I wish I had told you the selfish truth, that I couldn't bear the thought of coming home alone to our apartment. Home is where you are, and where would I go if you were gone? It wouldn’t be the same.

So I didn’t come home. I mostly slept at the hospital, in the uncomfortable chair right next to your bed. In the rare occasion that I had to come home, I was always already back by your side before you had even woken up. Most of the time you didn't even know I was gone.

I tried to hide my worries and intense fear of losing you. I tried to stay strong for the both of us. I tried so hard, Sicheng. I put on a smile every time I walked into your room. It didn’t matter how much my heart was hurting inside. For you, I would still put on my best smile.

Unlike me, you didn't seem to be scared. You were so calm. You were always the one comforting me instead of the other way around. Maybe the situation was too unreal for your pretty head to grasp. Maybe you had already accepted your fate. And maybe, just maybe, you had never feared dying.

So I enjoyed every minute and every second I spent with you. One day, I was sitting by your side, watching you sleep. How your chest would rose and fell with every breath you took, how your pink plump lips were a little parted. It was a little after midnight when a nurse came and tried to convince me to go home and get some rest. She said that I can’t even talk to you because you were asleep, but I said no. I told her that seeing you breathe was all I needed.

The nurses never told me to go home again. After that, they left me alone. Seeing me sit with you day and night was an everyday sight for them. Watching people dying every day, maybe they understood how fragile and precious life is, and that I would rather die than miss even a single breath you took.

Every time after I left your room, the urge to just break down and cry were so strong. The worry, the fear, the grief. They were eating me from the inside out. Sometimes I collapsed on the chair right outside your door, whimpering and sobbing. I always made sure you didn’t hear the heart-wrenching sounds leaving my throat, didn’t see my tear-stained face. I knew you, and I knew you would feel guilty if you found out I was barely holding up.

Sometimes the nurses hurried to my side to comfort me, and I would let them. Sometimes, though, I would tell them to fuck off. I still remember how you would scold me every time I use that word. You were always so pure, Sicheng, and I would say it many times just to annoy you then kiss your pout away when you started to get upset with me.

The day of your surgery, I sat on the hard, blue plastic chair in front of the operation room. I hoped and prayed to every God out there to help you make it out alive.

After almost ten excruciating hours, the doctor finally came out and approach me. I saw his face and I knew right away. I felt it. You were gone.

They let me see you. You looked so peaceful as if you were just taking a nap. So breathtakingly beautiful. I traced my fingers over your once pink colored cheeks, now ashen. I kissed you for the last time. Your lips were still plump and soft, but cold. As cold as how I felt and how the shivers that ran down my spine as I looked at your lifeless face.

Then the doctors returned and covered you with a sheet. Like you were some sort of road kill they found on the highway. Like you were one of many, like you were disposable. They wanted to take you away from me.

Of course, I knew it wasn’t you anymore. Just an empty shell of what you used to be. But letting your body go would mean letting you go, letting our memories go, letting our love go. I couldn't do that.

I couldn't understand that you wouldn't open your eyes like you usually did in our mornings, that you wouldn't sit up, smile, and stole a kiss from me. You looked like you were just sleeping...

They tried to take your body away, and I tried to stop them. I tried to make them understand that you weren't one of many. That you were irreplaceable, one of a kind.

The doctors looked at me pitifully. They told me they understood I was confused and shocked, that they could help me find a psychiatrist if I wanted to. I tried to tell them, Sicheng. I tried to explain that I couldn’t live without you, couldn’t even _imagine_ it. But they keep trying to take you away from me. They didn’t hear my cries and pleas. They didn’t understand me, Sicheng. I didn’t need a psychiatrist, all I needed was you.

After you were gone, Jaehyun and Kun would come over sometimes. They look after me, they clean our apartment and get me to eat even just one spoonful. Our friends are amazing, Sicheng. They too lost one of their closest friends, but they still take care of me. They aren’t pathetic like me. They seem to somehow be able to deal with their loss. Somehow. Maybe because they never felt the same kind of love for you.

Maybe I'm just weak. Too weak to be able to deal with losing you.

There are days when it’s just so hard for me to get up from our bed and function like a normal human being. Everything feels too big without you. Our bed, our house. Even my heart feels too big without you filling up the spaces. I would lie in bed and pretend you were still next to me. Your side of the bed is cold and untouched when I crave your warmth more than anything.

I can't find my way back to the surface when the thought of you keep pushing me underwater.

On those days, all I do is lock myself in our bedroom, staring up at the ceiling. If I’m feeling extra miserable because I miss you too much, I would take out our photo albums. I would flip through all the pictures. One is a candid of you I took smiling to yourself as you lick your ice cream, another one is a picture of you mid-air doing a flip during your dance recital our junior year of college, you on the beach, lying next to a scribble of my name in the sand, smiling up at me. Us on our graduation day. Us on our wedding day. Fifteen years of our memories together, Sicheng. I keep flipping the pages until the pain got too much and I cried myself to sleep, clutching the album tightly to my chest, dreaming about your smile and the sparkle in your eyes. Then get woken up again by the nightmares.

There are more days like that. Days, when I see a knife, I think about joining you. One day, I found your old bottle of prescription pills. I poured the whole thing into my mouth and was about to swallow it down when I remembered your last wish and spit it out again. As much as I wanted to see you, I couldn’t do that.

I think about your last days. One time, you cupped my face and whispered your wishes to me softly. You said that you loved me, that I’ll need to carry on when it’s time for you to leave me, to live my life fully, to find love again when I’m ready. You made me promise you that whenever I feel sad, unsure, or losing my faith, that I would try to see myself through your eyes, and not even once dare to think about dying. Then you pulled my face closer and kiss me. I still remember the feel of your lips. Dry and chapped. But I would trade anything just to be able to kiss you again.

Our friends said you lived a good life. You were so loved by so many people. Your happiness was contagious, they said, and that you were the happiest when you were with me. I’m so glad I could make you happy, Sicheng. You made me the happiest man in the world, too. I want you to know that.

So I keep living on.

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There are still days when I feel like I can’t do it anymore. Days when I miss you too much I can barely function. But then I remember my promise to you. Your sweet voice keeps ringing in my head, cheering me to keep going.

I want you to know, no, I _need_ you to know, that it was such an honor to be able to call you mine, to be able to feel your love. We promised each other forever, but I would still take the wonderful fifteen years you’ve given me. I need you to know how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man by loving me, Sicheng.

You said you wanted me to find love again, and maybe someday I will. Maybe that person will make my heart race as fast as when I first saw you, or make me laugh as loud as when I was with you. Maybe he will like the same ice cream flavor as you or listens to the same music or watches the same dramas. But one thing that I know for sure, it will never be the same kind of love as ours.

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Sicheng, thank you for being the warm, bright sun to my cold dark moon. I will always love you.

Taeyong.


End file.
